Monday, 2 September 2013

Bake Away
By Grace O’Reilly

I was sitting with my husband Simon on Friday night and was as giddy as a small child.  The reason for this was not only that I hadn’t seen my hubby dearest for a whole 25 hours, thanks to his new night shift hours he has been assigned to now.  Oh no, it was also because in front of me was a hot and steaming cup of warm milk and 3 BB muffins. There was a chocolate toffee one and two regular toffee ones and by golly there were the most scrumptious thing on the planet, my Simkin Baba Boo a close second.  You see, no matter how much I bitch, especially around that menstrual time of the month, the muffin always cheers me up by smiling at me with twinkling eyes and saying “Eat me baby”, not with rolled up to the Holy God eyes that tell “Oh no, this is only day one of five grumpy days.
The fact that we now live in the beautiful country town of Ireland’s County Wexford means that we no longer have the luxury of being situated near a BB Coffee House.  As they say there is always a reason on their box.  “Because it’s my birthday, Because it’s your Birthday, Because it’s Friday, Because it’s Monday, Because I’m happy, Because I’m sad, Because I passed, Because I failed”.  The list goes on and on.  It should just say “Because BB muffins rule the bakin’ world, I’ve have got my period and am in pain and not fitting this week into my skinny jeans anyway, and oh yeah I WANT ONE”!!!
BB Muffins are located in Carrigmines, Dun Laoghaire and Dundrum Town Centre, all in Ireland’s county Dublin.  I have a sweet tooth and love all cakes and sweet but these are not just any muffins.  You have to have one to understand.  They are big and moist and come in different varieties and there are the regular muffin types or the cupcake like muffins with the icing.  “Oh God” I am dreaming of the mint one right now.  It must release a generous amount of serotonin because unlike eating other sweet foods, I am continually happy for the rest of the day.  Apart from my husband running off with Mrs BB or somebody else or someone I love dying NOTHING could make me sad”.  I am Princess Happy Muffin Top for the end of the day which is funny because if I lived beside a BB Coffee House I would probably end up with a permanent muffin top, not just my menstruating one.
Our friend Nick lives in Ballybrack in County Dublin and we used to live in Bray County Wicklow and just go for a spin in his car to Dundrum Town Centre JUST purely for a cuppa or a latte and a (Grace close your mouth, you are getting drool on the keyboard) em sorry a gorgeous BB Muffin.  Now since we moved Nick comes and stays with us usually every second weekend for a night or two and his entrance fee to our new home is a nice shiny BB Muffin box with yummy, yummy muffins inside.  Once you hear the engine zoom into our driveway, I run into the kitchen, stop writing, cleaning, playing with my daughter Olivia and start the kettle a boiling because Hurray BB Muffins and oh yeah Nick are here to stay.  Well Nick is.  Unfortunately the BB Muffins will only have a short stay until they make their permanent way to my tummy and even after digestion has ceased there is a teeny bit of BB Muffin that will remain there and be squeezed into my skinny jean, unless I start up Curves Membership.  Well celebs like Beyonce and are known for their curvaceous figures and encouraging less eating disorders like anorexia promoting “All sizes are beautiful images”.  Although come to think of it, it probably causes high cholesterol and weight gain.  Think bootilicious must have to be beautilious and BB Muffins do help with that right?  And besides my husband once said to me before we wed and while I was rapidly piling on the baby and BB Muffin pounds (See “Because I am pregnant” another reason for one and Olivia does love them too) that “he would love me if I was 2 stone or 22 stone and if I was a giant ogre like Princess Fiona in Shrek who is beautiful, or if I was so teenchy like Little Miss Pepperpot that her would carry me around in his pocket”.  It was very funny, yet also very sweet and feeling like Miss Piggy and being hormonal I appreciated his kind words.  Ironically thinking about it as I type we had Miss Piggy in a wedding dress pulling back a petrified Kermit in a suit as cake toppers on or wedding cake. 
Anyway getting back to the other night!!! Our friend Nick who is like our brother he is so good (especially when he bears us with BB Muffins) took a spin to Dundrum Town Centre on Thursday when Simon was sleeping in his between two shifts and bought the three muffins.  He rang to see how I was on the house phone on Thursday night to say he had gotten us a presie when in Dundrum to see if my latest writing piece was out.  So drooling like a dog I knew.  So when Simon came home I pounced a wet one on his lips and waited 10 whole minutes for him to tell me the good news.  I even had the kettled boiled twice at this stage and then my patience wore out.  “Where are the BB Muffins? Nick rang and said that he got us some.”  Looking in his back, and looking and looking he broke the heartbreaking news.  “I left them in the office, but I’ll have them tomorrow”.  He looked sheepish as he spoke.
An extremely angry Grace let fly.  “What do you mean you forgot them?  I am just DYING for one.  There is nothing in the house that is remotely like a BB Muffin and I am going to cry”, I spat at him.  “I’m sorry Gracie, I’ll have them for you tomorrow”.  About an hour of bitching and moaning at him later I let it go.
The following night Simon came into the sitting room and I was occupied with The Late Late Show and giggling away to one of Joseph O’Connor’s latest poems about two teens having a conversation on the luas, I had actually forgotten about the BB Muffins.   It was now after 11 and I knew I would be up early in the morning with our little monkey monster Olivia Simon offered to make me a cup of hot milk and it brings us back to where we started.  Afterall I was only a week after surgery.  I had my appendix removed and needed to be pampered.  I also debated with Simon as to whether I could eat more BB Muffins now that my appendix was removed surely there was more room for an extra muffin (or two).  Haha wishful thinking!
One bite in and I was in muffin heaven.  “Sorry did you say something pet? “ I asked Si.  After the last bite of BB chocolate toffee muffin was devoured, I came up with an awesome idea.  What if somebody made a 24 hour bake away company for people who love muffins.  Think about it you can get take away at all hours why not bake away.  Many people work during the night, and then there are the people who are awake with their newborn babies and feeding them and sure they may as well have a muffin and a latte to keep them awake and going, take the bitter lack of sleep with a tasty sweet mouthful of muffin and coffee.  They could do a lemon one and name it bittersweet in honour of those who are sleep deprived but don’t have to be muffin deprived too. 
Ok now target clientele could be anyone really with a sweet tooth but for those men and women doing night shifts as a security officer, Garda, nurse, carer etc.  How about as I said for mothers or fathers (Si was great with Olivia) doing the nightly feeds with newborns.  What about pregnant woman who have “cravings we swear” for a muffin at 3am.  Yes I’m sure the other half would gladly walk or drive to a bake away but it doesn’t exist.  There is always a reason for a muffin says BB’s but someone give them a rival, preferably in the Gorey area or ask BB’s to move to Gorey too.
As Simon and I are hoping to try for a sibling for Olivia soon and don’t drive I think that a BB Muffin or equally good and newly invented muffin chain would be a good idea.  Hell if we could only get the winnings from the Irish National Lotto or the Euromillions we could invent the O’Reilly Mega Muffin Chain but alas lack of funds prevent us from doing this and besides I don’t actually WANT to bake them just you know EAT them.  The chain could even invent a special muffin for mum’s to be called “Bun in Tum”.  I don’t think that any gym chains will be happy as this is an opposite to their motto for losing weight and toning up of “Bums and Tums”.  Although eating does work out your jaw muscles!!!
I have heard that lemons apparently according to a google site say that if the father eats lots of lemons and lemon products in increases a chance of a boy and since we have a girl lemons could be a winner although personally I wouldn’t mind another princess.  Also I have heard that chaste berries were used by the monks to reduce their sex drive and fertility.  However the opposite is said to work on women and it was shown in a U.S study some years back that women who had low fertility rates of only 10% had their fertility rate over doubled to 21% after only a few weeks of eating chaste berries.  They are usually is season in the Autumn time.

So that is where my inspiration for this piece came from the other night.  FINALLY, eating my muffin from BB’s.  YUMMY!!!!!

THE END